Sarah Palin’s best recital ever!

5 10 2008

Wellwellwell. Where do we find ourselves? Oh yes, that’s right on the sober end of debate night.

I say sober end because I’m starting this post at 7 o’clock on Thursday evening (Lord knows when it’ll actually be posted). I’m still fighting off some kind of a virus so along with the headache I had last week, this week I’ve also got a bit of a fever. Fun!
Also, fun, I’ve got Heineken minis because I have to get up early and go to work tomorrow. So as you can see, a little bit of nagging sickness will not dampen my will to drink my way through a vice presidential debate.

There’s been a number of drinking games floating around the blogosphere (god bless you, each and everyone one of you, you drunken geniuses. I’m looking at you, Josh Nelson. I’d except nothing less than the best from you, MIT. Comedy Central never lets me down.) so I’m going to wait until Girlfriend gets home to decide whether or not we want to make up one of our own or if we just want to drink.

Tonight, Mr. And Mrs. Couplefriend are going to watch the debate at their home so we’ve invited new neighborhood friend, Bones.

The players:
Sarah Palin
Joe Biden
Gwen Ifill
Girlfriend (GF)
BPD
Bones
Heineken
Domino’s Pizza
Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels
Chocolate
Advil Cold & Sinus

Drinking game:

Any time Sarah Palin:
Makes a reference to hunting

Answers a question by restating the question asked of her
Implies that someone is being mean to her
Says, “Alaska”, “as Mayor”, “as Governor”, “Russia” or “You betcha”

One drink.

Anytime she actually gives a cogent answer to the question asked of her. Chug for 10 seconds.

Any time Joe Biden:
Refers to himself in the third person
Mentions his working class background or his father
Scoffs, sneers, chuckles derisively or smirks during a Sarah Palin search for words
Says, “folks”, “literally”, “Main Street”, “Wall Street” or “Russia”

One drink.

Any time Joe Biden asks Sarah Palin if she thinks that she deserves equal should she become the first female Vice President chug for 10 seconds.

Any mention of Tina Fey or Katie Couric drink till it’s empty.

~~~
DVR rules are in effect. Time stamps don’t matter.

Does Soledad O’Brien do Tae Bo?
Is Tae Bo still an exercise?

Anyhoods, Soledad is here to tell us about this week’s research group which are undecided voters from Ohio. This week they’re broken down by gender. The women are represented by a golden rod line on the graph at the bottom of the screen and then men are represented by a green line.

Here we go!

9PM
Wolf is killing time.
Is it just me or do the podiums look stouter this time?
Oh, I know. They’re shorter because Sarah Palin is a member of the Lollipop Guild. (A hated member who’s not allowed to touch the lollipops or to vote or to greet mysterious strangers from over the rainbow. She’s a blight on the mighty Guild. A blight I say!)

9:01PM
Good evening Gwen!
That’s a good wig you’ve got on. Is it from the S. Epatha Merkerson line of wigs?

Gwen: The House of Representatives this week passed a bill, a big bailout bill — or didn’t pass it, I should say. The Senate decided to pass it, and the House is wrestling with it still tonight. As America watches these things happen on Capitol Hill, Sen. Biden, was this the worst of Washington or the best of Washington that we saw play out?

Joe: It’s Bush’s fault. My man Barry, laid out some pretty sweet options for a rescue plan.

BPD: Joe Biden’s eyes look really scary tonight. I think he may have had a lid tuck.

Sarah: Barometer! Soccer! Fear! You BETCHA! Two years ago John McCain couldn’t reach his short little arms across the aisle so that’s why he was impotent about Fannie and Freddie. That and the lobbyist that he’s buddybuddy with.

Gwen: You both would like to be vice president. would you work to shrink this gap of polarization which has sprung up in Washington, which you both have spoken about here tonight?

Joe: We’ll I’ve been doing it my whole life. I’ve reached across the aisle. I have long arms, unlike John McCain. I can roll over in the bed at 3AM and answer the red phone, if need be, without throwing out my back. Additionally, I have enough sense not to think that Redd Fone is not a good name for a child. I also have enough sense to not say that the fundamentals of our economy a great in this climate.

Sarah: Oh, Grampa, aren’t you sweet.

“John McCain, in referring to the fundamental of our economy being strong, he was talking to and he was talking about the American workforce. And the American workforce is the greatest in this world, with the ingenuity and the work ethic that is just entrenched in our workforce. That’s a positive. That’s encouragement. And that’s what John McCain meant.”

And also, you know, the ideas of these things. Like the ideas of a productive American factory and a falling unemployment rate. Our hopes and dreams of what American isn’t. Not what it is.

[WTF Break:
BPD: Uhm, the American work force is in the crapper.
Bones: This is a new corruption but the same old corrupters.
GF: I need chocolate already.
BPD: It’s like she’s reading a TelePrompTer. She’s totally not engaging in what’s going on in the moment.]

Gwen: Let’s talk about the subprime lending meltdown. Who do you think was at fault? I start with you, Gov. Palin. Was it the greedy lenders? Was it the risky home-buyers who shouldn’t have been buying a home in the first place? And what should you be doing about it?

Sarah: Never again will we be taken advantage of.

Joe: Then maybe you shouldn’t be running with the guy who took advantage of you.

BPD: The little “Uncommitted Ohio Voters” group is hysterical. The green line goes down whenever Joe Biden starts using facts. Men!

Joe: Words. Facts. Logic. Refuting lies. Bringing up McCain’s lies and misrepresentations about health care.

Green Line: drooooooop!

Gwen: Governor, please if you want to respond to what he said about Sen. McCain’s comments about health care?

Sarah: You betcha!

“I’m still on the tax thing because I want to correct you on that again. And I want to let you know what I did as a mayor and as a governor. And I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I’m going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also.”

Just forget all that the media’s filter has told you about Wasilla.

Joe: Let’s be fair to the middle class. And Barack Obama’s plan is fair.

Sarah: Giving away tax breaks to the private-sector and big businesses is Patriotic.

[WTF Break
BPD: The thing is that taxes are how we fund government.
Bones: How do you fund things like health care or education without taxes?
GF: You don’t. Hence the past 8 years.
BPD: I don’t get why the GOP keeps trying to tell us that taxes are bad. We need taxes to fund our initiatives. Like the war in Iraq and Cheney’s private bunker.]

Green line: Boobies!

Joe: She’s nutters.

Green line: Bring back the boobies.

Joe: Let me break it down for you. Under McCain’s plan, “you’re going to have to place — replace a $12,000 plan with a $5,000 check you just give to the insurance company. I call that the ‘Ultimate Bridge to Nowhere.’”

BPD: Oh, snap! He’s got jokes!

Gwen: What are you going to give up because of the bailout plan?

Joe: Exactly what Barack said last week.

Sarah: I, uh, used my life line and also uhm, the friend that I phoned says, that I’m doing darn good when I deflect. So now “I want to go back to the energy plan..”

Gwen: Last year, Congress passed a bill that would make it more difficult for debt-strapped mortgage-holders to declare bankruptcy, to get out from under that debt. This is something that John McCain supported. Would you have?

Sarah: Darn right I would. “It is a crisis. It’s a toxic mess, really, on Main Street that’s affecting Wall Street.

[WTF Break:
GF: Did she just say that it’s Main Street’s fault.?
BPD: You betcha! But to be sure let’s review the tape.
DVR: You’re darn right she just said that.
Bones: I’m so glad the TV caught that inconsistency. I hope that the rest of America did too.]

Joe: No. And neither did Barack Obama.

Sarah: I’d like to talk about Energy again.

Green and Goldenrod lines: DROOOOOP (Not even boobies can save her.)

Sarah: Energy independence is the key to America’s future.

Gwen: What is true and and what is false about the causes of climate change?

Sarah: “…There are real changes going on in our climate. And I don’t want to argue about the causes.” Climates change. So does pantyhose. A polar bear malled my mother!

Joe: It’s man made. Clearly. “If you don’t understand what the cause is, it’s virtually impossible to come up with a solution.”

BPD: Joe’s got a good set of dentures. Way better than McCain’s.

Sarah: Senator O’Biden said that drilling is raping the continental shelf and I just want you to know that if the continental shelf came made a complaint about it, I’d charge her for her rape kit.

Gwen: Do you support granting same sex benefits to same-sex couples?

Joe: Absolutely.

Sarah: Not if it re-defines the traditional definition of marriage. Otherwise I’d tolerate it. Like Todd and I tolerate the continental US and people who don’t think that a hockey puck to the head is what it takes to make you a great American. I’m not a homophobe, I’ve got a gay friend. I’m committed to making sure that she knows that I tolerate her choice because I need her vote. She knows that her choice is not my choice. She knows that her choice makes me grind my teeth at night and try to forget those sleepovers at my second college.

Gwen: Do you support gay marriage?

Joe: No.

“The bottom line though is, and I’m glad to hear the governor, I take her at her word, obviously, that she think there should be no civil rights distinction, none whatsoever, between a committed gay couple and a committed heterosexual couple. If that’s the case, we really don’t have a difference.”

Gwen: Is that what you said?

Sarah: “Your question to him was whether he supported gay marriage and my answer is the same as his and it is that I do not.”

Gwen: Wonderful. You agree.

[Damn! break:
GF: Well that just bummed me out.
Bones: Yeah me too.
BPD: But Joe wins the point because he got her to agree with him. Any kind of agreement around this issue presents a great problem for the religious right. The RR, more than just being tripped up on the semantics of calling marriage vs. anything else, doesn’t want gays to have rights. The RR wants gays to be second class citizens. It shows dissension with McCain’s policies and it sows discomfort in the conservative religious base that McCain has really been trying to build.
This is not the first time he has gotten her to agree with him which challenges McCain’s policies.
She needs to show that she’s on the same page as him and not maybe, taking a page or two from the Obama play book.]

Gwen: About foreign policy.

Sarah: Diplomacy is hard work by serious people.

BPD: Yeah, serious, like the guy who grinned and chuckled his way through the major financial meeting.

Sarah: “And Secretary Rice, having recently met with leaders on one side or the other there, also, still in these waning days of the Bush administration, trying to forge that peace, and that needs to be done, and that will be top of an agenda item, also, under a McCain-Palin administration.”

BPD: Whaaa?
GF: Hmmm
Bones: I think that she’s more confused than we are.

Gwen: So, Iraq?

Joe: ZZZZZZ.

Sarah: Nuculur. ZZZZZZZZZZ.

Joe: (says George Bushis a lot.)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zzz We, uhm, zoned out here. Thank goodness CNN’s got a transcript.

Joe: (refers to himself in the 3rd person.)

BPD: BPD doesn’t mind when a person refers to themselves in the 3rd person.

Sarah Palin: John McCain knows how to win a war.

BPD: Uhm, the last war that John McCain was in, we did not win. There may be some discrepancy about whether or not that means we lost. But we certainly did not win it. The last war that John McCain was in, got shot down, captured as a POW, spilled his beans and then got rescued and has lorded it over our heads for this LONG election season. John McCain is NOT the guy to point to as far a knowing how to win a war -unless he was working for the enemy.

Sarah: McCain has never asked me to check my opinions at the door. Except for the Katie Couric interview that we did together.

Gwen: What does the VP do?

Sarah: We know what a VP does. But I’m still not sure what a VP does. Also, I think the VP is the cheerleader for the President. 2, 4, 6, 8, John is old and I am great. Go! Alaska!

“I’m thankful the Constitution would allow a bit more authority given to the vice president if that vice president so chose to exert it in working with the Senate and making sure that we are supportive of the president’s policies and making sure too that our president understands what our strengths are.”

Especially when it comes to shorter skirts and more pink everything for the cheerleaders.

Joe: “I would be the point person for the legislative initiatives in the United States Congress for our administration.”

GF: I know Batman. And you, Sarah Palin, are no Batman.
BPD: You’re not even Robin. You’re Alfred.

Gwen: Is the VP in the executive branch?

Sarah: There are no trees in the oval office.

Joe: Executive branch.

“Vice President Cheney has been the most dangerous vice president we’ve had probably in American history. The idea he doesn’t realize that Article I of the Constitution defines the role of the vice president of the United States, that’s the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that.
And the primary role of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to preside over the Senate, only in a time when in fact there’s a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit.
The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the Congress. The idea he’s part of the Legislative Branch is a bizarre notion invented by Cheney to aggrandize the power of a unitary executive and look where it has gotten us. It has been very dangerous.”

Gwen: What’s your Achilles heel?

Sarah: Energy is so important and John McCain is the kind of maverick that can produce all of the natural gas America needs after a plate of beans.

BPD: I don’t think that she knows what Achilles heel is.

Joe: I’m undisciplined sometimes and I’m very passionate.

“Look, I understand what it’s like to be a single parent. When my wife and daughter died and my two sons were gravely injured, I understand what it’s like as a parent to wonder what it’s like if your kid’s going to make it.” (Visibly chokes up.)

Green line: Dude? (waivers while Joe sniffles.) Dude (soars upward when he pulls it together.).
Goldenrod line: He’s so sensitive! (Line goes through the roof.)

Sarah: That’s why, when the Mavericks are in charge we pledge to take away both a woman’s right to choose and also her right to drive a car unsupervised by her husband too. And also it should be about energy, tax cuts and not waving the white flag in Iraq. You betcha!

Gwen: Can you think of a single policy issue you’ve had to change a long held view on?

Joe: Yes. Because sometimes you need to change to grow and to be a better legislator.

Sarah: Nope! No growth here! As a mayor and governor of Alaska I pretty much made that our policy! We work together in Alaska. We shoo those Russian’s right away!

~~~

And that’s it.

I give the win to Joe Biden.

  1. He at least tried to make it seem like he was answering the questions.
  2. He was specific with his answers.
  3. He was honest.
  4. He seemed smart and reliable.
  5. He was passionate when he needed to be passionate but without sacrificing any of his reasonableness.
  6. He knew how to properly pronounce nuclear.

Sarah Palin on the other hand…
Okay, so GF got all upset at the end of the debate because she felt that Sarah Palin did a better job than she’d anticipated and was worried about the ramifications of that for the McCain ticket. Even though she felt that Sarah Palin failed with substance she noted that SP really worked hard to shift the discussion away from substance. When she did that, GF believed that she was really able to score some points.

I did not get upset in the this way because I felt that while it was -if indeed it was the GOP plan all along- quite shrewd that she made quite the fool of herself all week with Katie Couric, this debate didn’t prove anything other then the fact that she could recite speeches that had been prepared for her by someone else.

[Because seriously, come on. She couldn’t manage to get through an interview in which Katie Couric was lobbing softballs at her. And not even how the US Olympic team lobs softballs. I’m talking about 2nd grade baseball style here. Where it’s like 99 strikes and everybody wins just for not peeing themselves while waiting for their at bat on the bench. For reals, if SP needs to take it all of the way back to tee ball she is not ready to be VeePee.]

In short. Katie Couric proved that Sarah Palin cannot think on her feet (or not get bogged down by annoyance). The debate did nothing to rebut that. If you can’t think on your feet, you can’t be VeePee.

  1. Also, Sarah Palin refused, sometimes outright, to answer most of the questions posed to her.
  2. She was unspecific when she did answer.
  3. She was honestly treating this debate as if it were singles hour at a college bar with her constant winking and drunk sorority girl type flirting.
  4. She seemed like that pretty girl who you let copy your homework because you like to smell her hair, even as she TOTALLY tries to take credit for your work and then ignores you to talk to the cool kids.
  5. She says nuculur.**

Sarah Palin’s
Nuculur Count: 6
Ackmedinajad Count: 5
Alaska Count: 7
As Mayor Count: 2 (Mayor -without as- Count: 4)
As Governor: 5 (Governor -without as- Count: 8 )
Implied Meanness Count: 1

**I feel like sometime in the next 30 days I may have it in me to write a post about the fallacy of “S/He’s just like me!” think. I’d just like to formally put out there that I think that it’s a HUGE rend in the fabric of logic and I would like remind all of the people that subscribe to that line wavy line of thought about how the last 8 years have gone for the country.

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4 responses

5 10 2008
The Palin Doctrine: the Pretty Face of Deregulation

[…] Sarah Palin’s best recital ever! […]

5 10 2008
Joe Biden ’S Lies Exposed

[…] Sarah Palin’s best recital ever! […]

5 10 2008
etc at Fierce and Nerdy

This is the funniest vp debate breakdown that I’ve seen so far! Still chuckling.

6 10 2008
Baby Power Dyke

:O) Thank you!

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