So I’ve got to be frank y’all… I didn’t really have high hopes for this address. I had, at most, medium hopes for this address because I 1. was (am) still waiting for comprehensive HCR 2. was (am) still waiting for a comprehensive plan to end our wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan and 3. was (am) still waiting for DOMA to be history and for everyone to be able to ask and tell.
And also, I was all like “What in the Sam-Goody” about this whole spending freeze business.
So yeah, I was more than happy to smart-alack the State of the Union address.
To get me through this I was aided and comforted by the following players:
And the music of Funny Girl (which RHS started her FIRST viewing of two nights ago].
Let’s get this crack-alacking…
8:57PM Oh, Michelle you are a vision in purple. The hair. The makeup. The Michelleness. I shall call this look Purple Reign.
RHS: I like Michelle’s short hair.
BPD: I know, right? That is one magic hot comb. I hope that she wears it that way when we get married.
RHS: You and I?
BPD: Uhm, sure, that’ll work too.
8:58PM I like the that all the Black People have taken to wearing their Church colors to the Chamber since Obama’s been in office.
9:05AM Who are these two old guys? Are these really the two guys you want leading you in?
9:06PM Here he is. Clapter ensues, but with far less rock-star fawning than the last time. It’s hard to separate the sound of the cheers from the sound of the boos. Even Michelle looks bored. That’s not a good thing. She usually gives him at least fifteen minutes before tuning out.
Nancy Pelosi: Look at my beautiful mother of pearl necklace. I will choke a bitch with it if necessary.
Joe Biden: He’s so beautiful, even with all of the gray hairs. I could cry.
Barack Obama: We must answer history’s call.
History: I don’t know how. Y’all haven’t paid the phone bill in nearly ten years.
Barack Obama: Change has not come fast enough.
Joe Biden: I hope he says, “I feel the need for speed.” It really sends a shiver down my spine. I’m so proud to be his Goose.
Barack Obama: “It is because of this spirit, this great decency and great strength that I have never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight. Despite our hardships, our union is strong. We do not give up. We do not quit. We do not allow fear or division to break our spirit. In this new decade, it’s time the American people get a government that matches their decency, that embodies their strength.”
Chamber: This is the part where we clap.
Pelosi: Do it!
Joe Biden: The clapping keeps me from crying.
Barack Obama: We all hated the bank bailout. Well, not you Citibank, or you Goldman Sachs, or you, JP Morgan. “But when I ran for president, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular — I would do what was necessary.”
BPD: I don’t feel like writing that line on my dry-erase board when you unveil this spending freeze crapscape. I need to go to my happy place.
Babs: Nicky Arstein. Nicky Arnstein.
BPD: Thanks Babs.
Barack Obama: “So I supported the last administration’s efforts to create the financial rescue program… As a result, the markets are now stabilized, and we have recovered most of the money we spent on the banks. To recover the rest, I have proposed a fee on the biggest banks. I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea, but if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.”
…We cut taxes.
BPD: I’m eating ramen.
Barack Obama: Let me repeat: we cut taxes.
BPD: Let me repeat: Spicy Chili Ramen.
Barack Obama: We haven’t raised taxes on a single person. That’s why we can’t afford the shit you want like healthcare.
Barack Obama: The stimulus worked. Sort of. “That is why jobs must be our number one focus for 2010” (not HCR, you just put that out of your pretty little heads) and that is why I am calling for a new jobs bill tonight.
Also “…tonight, I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat. I am also proposing a new small business tax credit — one that will go to over 1 million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages. While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment and provide a tax incentive for all businesses, large and small, to invest in new plants and equipment.”
How ‘bout them apples?
BPD: How small, does the business have to be? Like, for example… this being a smart-ass thing is sort of my business. Does that count.
Michelle Obama’s bob: Glare.
BPD: You’re right, I shouldn’t have asked.
Barack: We lost 7M jobs over 2 years.
RHS: Holy shit.
Michelle Obama’s bob: Language.
Barack Obama: “From the day I took office, I have been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious — that such efforts would be too contentious, that our political system is too gridlocked and that we should just put things on hold for awhile.
For those who make these claims, I have one simple question:
How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold?”
BPD: It looks like we’re going to wait until we get rid of the misuse of the filibuster.
Barack Obama: I don’t want to pick on the banks… but I will because that’s kind of all that I’ve got going for me right now, and I want you to remember this when I tell you about the spending freeze I want to enact.
We need clean energy jobs. “…We need more production, more efficiency, more incentives. That means building a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country. It means making tough decisions about opening new offshore areas for oil and gas development. It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies.”
BPD: This all sounds very dirty.
Barack Obama: And I’m sure that if I say the word bipartisan enough, it will be come real.
BPD: Oh, Barack, I bet you still believe in the Easter Bunny, too.
Barack Obama: We will double our exports over the next five years…
Peaco: He’s just fattening them up for the slaughter.
Barack Obama: Trade shmade.
The Chamber: Beatlemania.
Rahm Emmanuel: Rahm Emmanuel stands for no man.
Barack Obama: “In the 21st century, one of the best anti-poverty programs is a world-class education. In this country, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than their potential.
When we renew the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states. Still, in this economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job. I urge the Senate to follow the House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, which are a career pathway to the children of so many working families. To make college more affordable, this bill will finally end the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans. Instead, let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants. And let’s tell another 1 million students that when they graduate, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years — and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service. Because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college. And it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cutting their own costs — because they too have a responsibility to help solve this problem.”
BPD: Oooh! That sounds super sexy.
Peaco: You always were a soft touch.
RHS: Christ, Nancy Pelosi, sit down.
BPD: Nancy just got these new hips, she wants to take them for a spin.
Barack Obama: I know that I’ve fucked up HCR y’all… but you need to give me just a little more time.
Babs: People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.
Barack Obama: Remember all the shit I inherited? Doesn’t that distract you from my failures and short comings? Bush was worse than I was! You all still hate his mess more than you hate mine.
BPD: Booing the truth doesn’t make it less true.
Barack Obama: SPENDING FREEZE. Just think of it as the Big Chill, or alternately, the reason why your Grandmother hides her money all around the house and doesn’t trust banks.
Babs: Is motherfucker trying to rain on my parade?
Michelle Obama’s bob: Language.
Peaco: This guy sure does look a lot like the scalpel guy you voted for.
BPD: That’s just want I was thinking.
Barack Obama: I know some (that’s you Rachel Maddow) have said that we can’t address the deficit by freezing deficit spending when so many are still hurting. That’s why you won’t get really screwed until next year.
Dr. Rachel Maddow: Oh, BPD you’re so dreamy!
RHS: Hunny you’re talking to yourself out loud again.
Barack Obama: You think that I’m screwing you with the spending freeze… the Supreme Court REALLY screwed you. “Last week, the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections. Well, I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that’s why I’m urging Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to right this wrong.”
Supreme Court Justices: Remember people, this is just like those bear drills we do. Sit very quietly and very still and the danger will pass.
Barack Obama: Shit is still really gritty in Washington DC because y’all can’t get along. And you’re killing America.
Democrats, grow a pair. Bo has bigger balls than you do.
“And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that 60 votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town, then the responsibility to govern is now yours as well. Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership. We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions. So let’s show the American people that we can do it together. This week, I’ll be addressing a meeting of the House Republicans. And I would like to begin monthly meetings with both the Democratic and Republican leadership. I know you can’t wait.”
BPD: Oooh, you’re in trouble.
Barack Obama: Security. Uhm… we’re kind of secure. We could be more secure but … uhm… Quick! Everyone, clap for Michelle!
BPD: Clapping for Michelle does in fact distract me from Pakistan and the spending freeze and the whole gays are second class citizens thing.
Barack Obama: This year I will work with Congress to end DODT. Or, maybe next year.
“In the end, it is our ideals, our values, that built America — values that allowed us to forge a nation made up of immigrants from every corner of the globe, values that drive our citizens still. Every day, Americans meet their responsibilities to their families and their employers. Time and again, they lend a hand to their neighbors and give back to their country. They take pride in their labor, and are generous in spirit. These aren’t Republican values or Democratic values they’re living by, business values or labor values. They are American values.”
Joe Biden: This is the good part. I love him. I wonder if I can discretely get my hanky out without Nancy noticing.
Nancy Pelosi: I bet Joe doesn’t know where his hanky is and he’s going to end up snotting all over me. I have got to switch chairs.
Barack Obama: I am still eloquent. And also, I love Newsies! Arise and seize the day. “Let’s seize this moment — to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more.”
Peace out homies.
In the end, I think that it was a great return to the rhetorical highs of candidate Obama but you know. Spending freeze. And Wars. And DADT. And DOMA. And HCR. And ramen has become a major staple of my diet.
But, all of that aside, I haven’t erased the dry-erase board yet. Because still have hope.
I just hope the Obama administration has got hustle.