I could not be more excited about the Super Bowl tomorrow.
[Well, perhaps that’s not entirely true… I would be more excited if my Cowboys hadn’t pissed it away and were playing tomorrow. I would be more excited if I had any confidence in that wanker Tony Romo. No kind of heart. And if you don’t have any kind of raw talent or natural intelligence on the field, heart is really want you need to carry you through. Which is why I am happy, nay, honored even, to shift my Super Bowl XLIV love to Dem Saints and the members of the mightymighty Who Dat Nation.]
I have selected a black and gold t-shirt to wear; I have my growler of Six Point Sweet Action cooling in the refrigerator and I have my beloved stoner food (White Castle Cheeseburgers, Tostino’s Pizza Rolls, Buffalo Chicken Wings [mmmm… food-like product] and Ben & Jerry’s Vanilla Caramel Fudge ice-cream) in the freezer.
It's like Black & Gold ice-cream.
I am psyched.
And I am not alone… Melissa Harris-Lacewell is jazzed (and Dr. Maddow is on a contact high).
Other than watching a good game (or, when my Cowboys were in the Super Bowl, a game in which my team humiliated their opposition [see: Super Bowl, XXVII, XXVIII, XXX] [We miss you Troy!]) I look forward to watching the commercials.
Perhaps CBS actually stands for Complete BullShit.
Anyhoods, choice and two-dudes kissing advocates are all up in arms and are suggesting that we boycott CBS and the Super Bowl. I say, Dem Saints have come too far to let Tim Tebow and his mama steal their thunder. Plus, Scott Fujita would be totally pissed. What I’m going to do is simply change the channel whenever the commercials come on (and I’m going to change to LOGO).
The companies that have paid money to have their spots shown on CBS are hoping to recoup some of that money by converting viewers to consumers. They are counting on me to watch their commercials on CBS during the Super Bowl and buy their product. If I don’t watch their commercials they don’t get to me. Their expensive ploy fails. I mean, this would work better if millions of viewers boycotted the commercials – then those companies would be super-pissed (at CBS) for not getting the boost that they wanted. Then they might think twice about paying CBS money to hawk their wares next year. Then CBS loses.
So I’ve got to be frank y’all… I didn’t really have high hopes for this address. I had, at most, medium hopes for this address because I 1. was (am) still waiting for comprehensive HCR 2. was (am) still waiting for a comprehensive plan to end our wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan and 3. was (am) still waiting for DOMA to be history and for everyone to be able to ask and tell.
And also, I was all like “What in the Sam-Goody” about this whole spending freeze business.
So yeah, I was more than happy to smart-alack the State of the Union address.
To get me through this I was aided and comforted by the following players:
Heineken Light
Peaco
RHS
And the music of Funny Girl (which RHS started her FIRST viewing of two nights ago].
Let’s get this crack-alacking…
8:57PM Oh, Michelle you are a vision in purple. The hair. The makeup. The Michelleness. I shall call this look Purple Reign.
First Lady of Fabulous
RHS: I like Michelle’s short hair. BPD: I know, right? That is one magic hot comb. I hope that she wears it that way when we get married. RHS: You and I? BPD: Uhm, sure, that’ll work too.
8:58PM I like the that all the Black People have taken to wearing their Church colors to the Chamber since Obama’s been in office.
9:05AM Who are these two old guys? Are these really the two guys you want leading you in?
9:06PM Here he is. Clapter ensues, but with far less rock-star fawning than the last time. It’s hard to separate the sound of the cheers from the sound of the boos. Even Michelle looks bored. That’s not a good thing. She usually gives him at least fifteen minutes before tuning out.
9:07PM Nancy Pelosi: Look at my beautiful mother of pearl necklace. I will choke a bitch with it if necessary. Joe Biden: He’s so beautiful, even with all of the gray hairs. I could cry.
9:08PM Barack Obama: We must answer history’s call. History: I don’t know how. Y’all haven’t paid the phone bill in nearly ten years.
Barack Obama: Change has not come fast enough. Joe Biden: I hope he says, “I feel the need for speed.” It really sends a shiver down my spine. I’m so proud to be his Goose.
Barack Obama: “It is because of this spirit, this great decency and great strength that I have never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight. Despite our hardships, our union is strong. We do not give up. We do not quit. We do not allow fear or division to break our spirit. In this new decade, it’s time the American people get a government that matches their decency, that embodies their strength.”
Chamber: This is the part where we clap. Pelosi: Do it! Joe Biden: The clapping keeps me from crying.
Barack Obama: We all hated the bank bailout. Well, not you Citibank, or you Goldman Sachs, or you, JP Morgan. “But when I ran for president, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular — I would do what was necessary.”
BPD: I don’t feel like writing that line on my dry-erase board when you unveil this spending freeze crapscape. I need to go to my happy place. Babs: Nicky Arstein. Nicky Arnstein.
BPD: Thanks Babs.
9:20ish Barack Obama: “So I supported the last administration’s efforts to create the financial rescue program… As a result, the markets are now stabilized, and we have recovered most of the money we spent on the banks. To recover the rest, I have proposed a fee on the biggest banks. I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea, but if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.”
…We cut taxes.
BPD: I’m eating ramen.
Barack Obama: Let me repeat: we cut taxes.
BPD: Let me repeat: Spicy Chili Ramen.
Barack Obama: We haven’t raised taxes on a single person. That’s why we can’t afford the shit you want like healthcare.
9:26PM Barack Obama: The stimulus worked. Sort of. “That is why jobs must be our number one focus for 2010” (not HCR, you just put that out of your pretty little heads) and that is why I am calling for a new jobs bill tonight.
Also “…tonight, I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat. I am also proposing a new small business tax credit — one that will go to over 1 million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages. While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment and provide a tax incentive for all businesses, large and small, to invest in new plants and equipment.”
How ‘bout them apples?
BPD: How small, does the business have to be? Like, for example… this being a smart-ass thing is sort of my business. Does that count.
Michelle Obama’s bob: Glare. BPD: You’re right, I shouldn’t have asked.
Barack: We lost 7M jobs over 2 years.
RHS: Holy shit. Michelle Obama’s bob: Language.
9:32PM Barack Obama: “From the day I took office, I have been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious — that such efforts would be too contentious, that our political system is too gridlocked and that we should just put things on hold for awhile.
For those who make these claims, I have one simple question:
How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold?”
BPD: It looks like we’re going to wait until we get rid of the misuse of the filibuster.
Barack Obama: I don’t want to pick on the banks… but I will because that’s kind of all that I’ve got going for me right now, and I want you to remember this when I tell you about the spending freeze I want to enact.
We need clean energy jobs. “…We need more production, more efficiency, more incentives. That means building a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country. It means making tough decisions about opening new offshore areas for oil and gas development. It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies.”
BPD: This all sounds very dirty.
Barack Obama: And I’m sure that if I say the word bipartisan enough, it will be come real.
BPD: Oh, Barack, I bet you still believe in the Easter Bunny, too.
Barack Obama: We will double our exports over the next five years…
Peaco: He’s just fattening them up for the slaughter.
Barack Obama: Trade shmade.
The Chamber: Beatlemania. Rahm Emmanuel: Rahm Emmanuel stands for no man.
9:40PM Barack Obama: “In the 21st century, one of the best anti-poverty programs is a world-class education. In this country, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than their potential.
When we renew the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states. Still, in this economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job. I urge the Senate to follow the House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, which are a career pathway to the children of so many working families. To make college more affordable, this bill will finally end the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans. Instead, let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants. And let’s tell another 1 million students that when they graduate, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years — and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service. Because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college. And it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cutting their own costs — because they too have a responsibility to help solve this problem.”
BPD: Oooh! That sounds super sexy. Peaco: You always were a soft touch. RHS: Christ, Nancy Pelosi, sit down. BPD: Nancy just got these new hips, she wants to take them for a spin.
9:47PM
Barack Obama: I know that I’ve fucked up HCR y’all… but you need to give me just a little more time.
Babs: People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.
9:50PM Barack Obama: Remember all the shit I inherited? Doesn’t that distract you from my failures and short comings? Bush was worse than I was! You all still hate his mess more than you hate mine.
Republicans: BOO! BPD: Booing the truth doesn’t make it less true.
9:51PM Barack Obama: SPENDING FREEZE. Just think of it as the Big Chill, or alternately, the reason why your Grandmother hides her money all around the house and doesn’t trust banks.
Babs: Is motherfucker trying to rain on my parade? Michelle Obama’s bob: Language.
Peaco: This guy sure does look a lot like the scalpel guy you voted for. BPD: That’s just want I was thinking.
9:54PM Barack Obama: I know some (that’s you Rachel Maddow) have said that we can’t address the deficit by freezing deficit spending when so many are still hurting. That’s why you won’t get really screwed until next year.
Dr. Rachel Maddow: Oh, BPD you’re so dreamy! RHS: Hunny you’re talking to yourself out loud again.
9:59PM Barack Obama: You think that I’m screwing you with the spending freeze… the Supreme Court REALLY screwed you. “Last week, the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections. Well, I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that’s why I’m urging Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to right this wrong.”
Supreme Court Justices: Remember people, this is just like those bear drills we do. Sit very quietly and very still and the danger will pass.
10:00PM Barack Obama: Shit is still really gritty in Washington DC because y’all can’t get along. And you’re killing America.
Yes, YOU.
Democrats, grow a pair. Bo has bigger balls than you do.
Bo knows politics
“And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that 60 votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town, then the responsibility to govern is now yours as well. Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership. We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions. So let’s show the American people that we can do it together. This week, I’ll be addressing a meeting of the House Republicans. And I would like to begin monthly meetings with both the Democratic and Republican leadership. I know you can’t wait.”
BPD: Oooh, you’re in trouble.
10:05PM Barack Obama: Security. Uhm… we’re kind of secure. We could be more secure but … uhm… Quick! Everyone, clap for Michelle!
BPD: Clapping for Michelle does in fact distract me from Pakistan and the spending freeze and the whole gays are second class citizens thing.
10:13PM Barack Obama: This year I will work with Congress to end DODT. Or, maybe next year.
“In the end, it is our ideals, our values, that built America — values that allowed us to forge a nation made up of immigrants from every corner of the globe, values that drive our citizens still. Every day, Americans meet their responsibilities to their families and their employers. Time and again, they lend a hand to their neighbors and give back to their country. They take pride in their labor, and are generous in spirit. These aren’t Republican values or Democratic values they’re living by, business values or labor values. They are American values.”
Joe Biden: This is the good part. I love him. I wonder if I can discretely get my hanky out without Nancy noticing. Nancy Pelosi: I bet Joe doesn’t know where his hanky is and he’s going to end up snotting all over me. I have got to switch chairs.
10:18PM Barack Obama: I am still eloquent. And also, I love Newsies! Arise and seize the day. “Let’s seize this moment — to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more.”
Peace out homies.
~~~
In the end, I think that it was a great return to the rhetorical highs of candidate Obama but you know. Spending freeze. And Wars. And DADT. And DOMA. And HCR. And ramen has become a major staple of my diet.
But, all of that aside, I haven’t erased the dry-erase board yet. Because still have hope.
I just hope the Obama administration has got hustle.
As usual, Dr. Maddow does a fine job of breaking down how the ruling on Citizens [insert derisive chortle here] United v. Federal Election Commission is a giant crock of step-on-the-little-guy shit and I will pretty much use any excuse to link to her Doctorate of Awesomeness here. She’s all smart like and I’m all: This totally sucks y’all.
But there’s something even more than just the Oh, Great, Now Coca Cola will have not only my soul but my vote too that’s getting to me. It’s that suddenly, Coca Cola is a person now. It has taken me nearly thirty years to become a person. And yet in ten months with some clever legal maneuvering Coca Cola is a person now too. Only, more of a person than me. I’m not fantastically wealthy (yet). I’m not international (yet). I don’t rot your teeth right out of your head. I’m not locked in a bitter battle against Pepsi Co. for the wallets and gullets of the world. [yet] But more than that. Coca Cola (and that bastard Pepsi Co.) is a regular first class citizen. Unlike the gays. Coca Cola’s rights are protected and upheld under the law. Unlike the gays. Hell, Coca Cola and Pepsi Co. Can even marry if they’d like. Corporations do it all of the time. Unlike the gays.
There’s not much that I have to add to Ambassador Raymond Joseph’s complete schooling¹ of Pat Robertson on Dr. Rachel Maddow’s show. It was glorious.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
But what really struck me – apart from the blunt force blow of his insensitivity – was the extension of Pat Robertson’s “logic”. If we follow his statement to its natural conclusion we find that he is making the argument that we should not be moved to great sorrow over the tragedy in Haiti because they brought it on themselves (what with their slave ancestors rising up from brutal bondage to free themselves and defend their freedom against empires) – staying in bondage would have been the Christian thing to do.
This is a despicable thing to believe.
This is a despicable thing to say.
This is an especially despicable thing to say to and about the descendants of a people who were stolen from their home land, language and religion and were forced into conditions and status lower than that of chattal. Who were, in fact, exhibited, and bought and sold like so much livestock.
The idea that Haitian slaves rejected Pat Robertson’s God and that their descendants are paying for it now wounds me in a place that I didn’t even know existed.
Pat Robertson’s God is almost as dirty a bastard as Pat Robertson is I reject him too. Wouldn’t you?
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¹Honestly, I don’t think that anyone has been schooled this hard since they stopped putting dunce caps on children and making them sit in the middle of the class room while everyone else in the class recited the lesson to the offending idiot.
Ah, Tears for Fears… when have you ever been wrong?
Last night Doctor Rachel Maddow who errs in now way (except for the way that her teenyteenytiny section in the NBC Store in Rockefeller Center does not carry Mind Over Chatter shirts that fit me) was all over Sloppy Joe Lieberman last night like herpes on a Hilton (I said it and I stand by it).
Vodpod videos no longer available.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
I cannot compete. But I can sum it up with a little help from my friends Roland and Curt.
I can’t stand this indecision
married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world.
Last week it seemed like it was 2001 (and we all know what a banner year that was for America) now it seems like it might be 1998.
Why?
Because Lilith Fair is back. I know that I’m the last to know (I am not on the email list), but it’s breaking news to me. And secretly the young, I’m not quite sure if I’m a lesbian but I like it here because all of these ladies are super friendly to me and I do enjoy a compliment, BPD is pleased as punch because well, all of the ladies at Lilith Fair were super friendly to me and I do enjoy a compliment.
But still, one of my favourite people at work who I haven’t figured out a moniker for yet (and frankly doesn’t OOMFPAWWIHFOAMFOY seems a bit long? Awesome, but long.) and I were talking about how we just can’t get all of the way behind it.
Because I mean, the late nineties were all about ladies doing their best Joni Mitchell impressions what with their guitars and their scarves and their sing-songwriter with a little dash of now let’s all sleep with each other thrown in. Oh those Halcyon days, when all a girl needed was a sweet pair of overalls and a beaded necklace.
But we’re in the two-thousandsies (Dr. Rachel Maddow says it and so can I!) now and things have changed. I mean, sure, ladies are still super friendly to me and I do enjoy a compliment but the music landscape is totally different. I haven’t seen my overalls in a while now and I always give RHS the stink-eye when she ties on a scarf. Also, who’s going to play?
Miley Cyrus Beyonce Katy Perry Lady Gaga
I mean, they’re nice girls and all, but I just don’t get the Lilith vibe from them, you know, and the former headliners are, well, former.
I mean, Sarah McLachlan hasn’t had a job in ages. Those ASPCA promos just don’t pay the bills.
The Indigo Girls have faded to just plain old blue. Emily went and got her heart broke and Amy Ray went and got… uhm, younger women?
Tori Amos has made it clear that she’s not into the Lilith Fair (Isn’t she just our favourite little megalomaniac outside of Barbra?) so we can count her out – again.
Who’s left?
Joan Osborn – haven’t heard from her in ages so I’m thinking that she got mugged by one of those strangers on the bus.
Who’s currently happening in the industry that fits within the Lilith milieu? And does anybody still want to pay to sit on a lawn among the scarfed and questionably washed (friendly though they may be) to see them?
These are the tough questions facing the Lilith Fair promoters. And I know that there are lists all over the interwebs with dream line-ups and they’re alright and all, but I have one that beats them all.
Lilith Fucking Fair Bitches!
Patti Labelle Not only did LaBelle release a new album a year ago but Pattie Labelle is prepared to sing herself into a diabetic coma. That is some showmanship. Ain’t no acoustic guitar toting girl (even you, Ani) can beat that.
Heart How do we get them alone?
Karen Oh Oh yes!
Meshell Ndegeocello Who is she and what is she to me? One badass sexy lady. Who plays bass. And is badass and sexy. Why are there even questions about this?
Tina Turner Her Buddhism will add the den mother factor. Also, she owns a white and a silver leather jumpsuit. That totally beats the scarves any day.
Liza Minnelli You are guaranteed Quaaludes, mascara and an amazing wig-off with Tina Turner.
Crazy with a Z
Whitney Houston Whitney needs a gig ya’ll. And frankly, you’re going to need someone who knows exactly how to revive you when you’ve had taken too many of Liza’s happy pills and had too many crack (oh, I’m sorry cocaine) laced pot-brownies.
Elton John Bitch loves a party. And costumes. Win.
You know you’d rather see this line up than anything Sarah McMopelan can throw together.
I’ve been sitting here, dithering, if you will, for the past couple of days trying to think of a clever play on Joe Lieberman’s name.
So far I’ve come up with:
Joe Blows Joe Diddly Say it ain’t Joe Not Joe Senator Joe Shit Joe-berwokky No way Joe-se Sloppy Joe
My favourite, however, is Cock Block. It’s not a play on words so much as an accurate description of Joe Lieberman’s time in Senate. He’s the “friend” telling the hot girl that you’ve just gotten to talk to you about that weird infection you had last week.
In this case the hot girl that’s just deigned to grace you with her witty repartee is health care reform with an anemic public option and the Republican filibuster power is the infection that we thought we’d finally rid ourselves of when we finally got Al Franken his seat.
Joe Lieberman is the fucker that finagles it so that all three of you to go home alone and then get all offended when you shoot him a dirty look and a dirty finger when he’s all, “Dude. Couldn’t close that deal, huh? Sucks. She was alright, though.”
But don’t take my word for. Dr. Rachel Maddow has had her blazers in a bunch over it for the past two nights. And I don’t blame her. In the whole history of the Senate no one (NO ONE) has voted with the opposition to prevent cloture for the party they caucus with. I understand wanting to make a name for yourself, but Benedict Arnold doesn’t seem like the wisest of choices.
In real life, such masterful cock-blockery often results in a five-finger salute to face. I’m not advocating violence, but I am advocating a swift and decisive response to such disregard for the leadership of the party with which you caucus. I am advocating that the Democratic party strip him of his leadership, run someone against him and censure him and then call that pretty girl up, beg her pardon and see if you can get her to talk to you again now that your douche-y “friend” is gone.
I never thought that I’d say this but, you guys, I’m worried about Dick Cheney.
And not worried in your run of the mill, Holy Mantights Batman, that VeePee Vermin has Struck Again! sort of way.
I’m talking worried like, Sweet Rollerskating Jeebus it’s Friday Night and my Budget Will Only Allow for Beer or Pizza- Not Both. You know, seriously worried.
At first, I thought that he had a case of the George “It’s not a lie if you believe it” Constanza-s. But after seeing the footage on Dr. Maddow’s show last night I’m becoming a bit alarmed.
My brother is unwell. He presents with symptoms concurrent with schizophrenia. His illness manifests itself in paranoid delusions, anti-social behavior and disordered thoughts. He has accused me of working in collusion with Them while being part of a vast gay conspiracy to imprison him. He once told me that he had to stop using the internet because the computer was talking to him and watching him.
He refuses to seek treatment because he believes he is the only okay one in the world.
Listening to the voracity with which Dick Cheney defends and praises the use of torture is like listening to my brother defend and praise his “camouflaging” and admonish me and the rest of my family for suggesting that he might not need to camouflage if he would seek professional help. When Dick Cheney talks about giving comfort to the enemy, I imagine one of my conversations with my brother when he accuses me and my sister and my cousins of being snitches who are out to get him. Thinking about the fact that Dick Cheney spent most of the 8 years of the Bush Administration in an undisclosed bunker that could not be imaged on Google satellites reminds me of the fact that not once in the past 6 years has my brother told his address or kept the same phone number for more than six months. The unwavering sureness of Dick Cheney’s convictions, despite fact, history and public opinion to the contrary is indicative to me of deep and chronic delusion, paranoid in nature. I think he’s crazy. And not just racist and mean-spirited crazy like Pat Buchanan, Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Really crazy.
You know, when he was in charge I was scared for us. Now, despite my best intentions, I’m scared for him, as I am scared for my brother.
Earlier this week I was feeling all down about the fact that America lost its bid for the 2016 Olympics but I must say this news this morning of President Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize – after three of our scientists taking the Nobel Prize in Medicine – really eases the pain.
Now I am sure that some outlets on the Right are really working hard today to paint the fact that our sitting President winning a Nobel Peace Prize is a super bad thing. I’m sure that someone will even have the gall to throw in a little Affirmative Action into the mix to which I say: It sure as hell is an Affirmative Action pick. Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace prize AFFIRMS that his ACTIONS are in line with the aims of the global community and AFFIRMS that America’s ACTIONS are being well received by that community. Which is awesome for Team America.
If the certain outlets on the Right want to believe that this is bad then, well, that’s on them. Some people just like to be miserable. Maybe the flags that they’ve wrapped themselves in have gotten too tight and have decreased the flow of oxygen to their brains. Maybe they’ve been smothered by their tea bags.
Course, I would like to remind them, that you can’t be a right proper jingoist, if you’re going to be all Team America, Fuck No about this.
And also, in Team America news… we fucking shot the moon. And it’s as awesome as it sounds. I’m going to wait until to post Dr. Rachel Maddow’s take on it tonight. Which should be totally nerdalicious. Fuck Yeah!
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¹Which makes me kind of sad for Brazil. Seriously, maybe we can give them one of ours. Not Barack’s, but someone’s.
Brazil is awesome – my friends have the pictures on Facebook to prove it. The Olympics are going to be a rocking good time because, I firmly believe, Brazil knows how to party. And sport.
Journal of a Power Dyke in Training 